Monthly Archives: May 2011

what’s next on the list?

For the whole of the last week, most of the newspapers were filled with news related to Osama Bin Laden’s untimely demise and the circumstances under which it happened. Most news channels were also busy with the same but these days people take ‘Rakhi Sawant’s Swayamvar’ more seriously than them and so I have deliberately missed them. (Yes, Mr. Arnab Goswami, I know you have some questions. No, you do not have to yell.) However, none of the news articles answered a very pertinent question that came to my mind in light of the recent happenings:

Now that Saddam Hussein is dead and America has full control over the oil fields of Iraq (The greatest con of the twenty first century was pulled off by America by making the world believe that they are invading Iraq for biological weapons of mass destruction; after the movie ‘Inception’, of course!) and Osama Bin Laden is dead, ensuring Barrack Obama has gained enough brownie points for the next presidential campaign, how do the CIA keep themselves busy? In other words, what are the next top things on their agenda?

I did a bit of investigation on my own (Yes, I did put on a detective hat. No, I did not smoke a cigar. Smoking is not cool anymore and the cigars that they sell in Inorbit are damn expensive.) and thanks to a few trusted sources, your truly is now in possession of the top 5 things that the CIA is investigating these days.

I hereby share the same in this post. Remember, they are as updated as Manmohan Singh is about his corrupt allies and are as reliable as is the relationship of Salman Khan and Katrina Kaif (Yes, ‘Sheela ki Jawani’ was good. No, she still cannot act.)

5 of 5: Is Sreesanth really a cricketer?

Even though he is the most trusted water bottle carrier in the Indian cricket team (when contacted, every member of the team vouched for this information), the CIA still suspects if he is actually a cricketer. His penchant for remaining in the news (The catch in the T20 world cup finals, the slap by Harbhajan Singh and the ensuing hug by Preity Zinta, the dance after he hit Andrew Nel for a six, the L sign he showed Ricky Ponting) and the way he can go to any extent for the same reminds the CIA of the now dead Bin Laden who was known for his similar antics on the ‘Al Jazeera’ channel, which is known for running prime time shows on ‘How To Make Bombs’ and ‘How To Scare America’ and has the highest TRP among the Taliban ruled Afghanistan and some part of northern Pakistan, where there are terrorist camps according to India and lunatics according to Pakistan (as if there was a real difference between the two).

The CIA has still not obtained any conclusive evidence so far but they are still following this case keenly. When asked, Sreesanth had the following response to the allegations made against him. “I am as much a cricketer as Lindsay Lohan is an actor, Navjyot Singh Siddhu is a commentator and Ranvir Kapoor the new Seinfeld.”  This response has put most of the speculations to rest.

4 of 5: What is wrong with The Internet Explorer?

The CIA has been following this topic since the day Firefox was launched and according to latest information has still no clue. I mean, have a look at Firefox 4 or for that matter Chrome and compare it to Internet Explorer 8, they do not even look like they belong to the same period.

Everything possible under the sun has been tried. Microsoft has destroyed Netscape Navigator, copied Firefox, made tall claims and even bundled it free with the most widely used operating system in the world but little has changed with the respect to the acceptance of Internet Explorer. Somehow they never manage to get it right and though many versions of the same have been released, people hardly believe that anything has changed. “And why?” you may ask. Well, no one really knows.

The closest similarity to this topic has been ‘The Curious Case of Doordarshan’ (if you have seen the movie that I am referring to, you will understand the metaphor!), an erstwhile Indian channel that is now watched only if your cable operator is an idiot or if the channel that is showing the cricket match is not being aired by your cable operator (in which case, he is definitely an idiot!). The CIA has been observing this case with interest because of its similarity to the Internet Explorer case.

Unconfirmed reports say, Microsoft has been funding this investigation of CIA, though they do not agree for the fear of the future of ‘Melinda and Bill Gates Foundation’ if Microsoft’s share prices dip, mostly because even they have been looking for the answer for quite some time now and because they trust the CIA more than the people of India trust Suresh Kalmadi.

3 of 5: When girls say ‘I want to be left alone’, do they really mean it? 

This has been a hotly investigated topic. Feminist Associations all over the world have agreed that when girls say, ‘I want to be left alone’ they really mean it. But the same has been refuted by all the HAB (If you thought WAG did not have a counterpart, you have neither been a Husband nor a Boyfriend and if you thought WAG was a football related term, then you do not read the sports section of ‘The Times of India’ sincerely enough) associations who have instead gone ahead and claimed that there is something fundamentally wrong with the English Language and the way women think. They do not seem to be in sync i.e. when they say ‘I want to be left alone’, what they mean is actually the opposite!

The English Language Committee has clearly stated that according to their design documents, which can be found in numerous moral science books, emotions can never be put into words and hence they will take no responsibility of modifying the language. This has resulted in a deadlock which can only be cleared if the CIA finds the answer to the question.

When approached for her views on this topic, the President of a premier Feminist Association, a female herself, told, “I want to be left alone”. As per latest reports, she is not really happy that everyone obliged on the first I-want-to-be-left-alone itself.

2 of 5: Where’s Poonam Pandey?

Most people inside CIA are confused as to why they have been asked to locate a particular Poonam Pandey all of a sudden. She was as much in the news as MS Dhoni was after India won the cricket world cup but that is no reason to spend the valuable resources of CIA looking for her when they can actually be in the streets of Iraq killing innocent people or better feature in the sequel of Taken (ingeniously called as ‘Taken 2’).

However this recent interest in Poonam Pandey can be attributed to the reports that say Poonam Pandey had contacted the President’s office and had agreed to strip, albeit personally in the White House for the President of America if he succeeds in his mission of killing Osama Bin Laden. Her exact words being, “Such an activity would inspire the American President to be more focused on his job and not to waste his time trying to seduce White House interns.”

Taken aback, Barrack Obama had consulted his predecessor Bill Clinton who had in turn directed him to Monica Lewinsky for further insights into how to carry out the whole operation (No, I am not talking about the one in which Laden was killed). However after the successful completion of the mission (in which Laden was killed), she has suddenly gone into a hiding and hence the instructions to CIA to locate her as soon as possible.

Once she is spotted, the CIA has decided to respect the expectation that every (well almost) common Indian has from her, after which Barack Obama would tell the people of India the same line that he told to the people of USA on Bin Laden’s death. “Justice has been done.”

1 of 5: Who let the dogs out?

Since Anslem Douglas asked this question many years back (and my neighbor’s speakers ask it every time he is drunk) there has hardly been any progress made. As has been reported, it is now in the top of the to-do list of the CIA. So hopefully we will have an answer soon and that idiot, leaving next door to mine, will find a better song to listen to when he is drunk.

So there we go. The most awaited list of the post Osama-Bin-Laden period has been exposed. “When can we expect the answers?” I really do not have a definite answer from the CIA. Meanwhile, I am trying to reach the WikiLeaks people to see if they can help. They seem to have all the answers these days (including the very complicated one of ‘why would any girl want to marry Rahul Mahajan?’).

This post is based on true stories but does not have any direct resemblance to any person living or dead. Any such resemblance is purely co incidental except if you are Harry Potter, in which case, I need to borrow that ‘Invisibility Cloak’ from you for a day. You can safely assume that the writer of this piece is nuts or can think deep and understand the extent to which a boring Sunday afternoon can make you crazy.

In any case, do let me know what other stories, you reckon, should make it to the top 5 of the to-do list of the CIA in the comments.